just out of reach of holding my own heart

I need to talk to you as if you are beside me, as if you are real and tangible and in my sight

I need to say these things, even though I have lost you and do not know if I will ever find you again, or even how that is possible

But if I could speak with you… well, this is what I might say…

I am here, as I have always been… just out of reach of holding my own heart, as you hold and guard it for me as you have always done.

I am here, and you are with me, just as I am with you… see that shadow almost tucked beyond your vision? See that rain drop on the window? See the last crystal of ice catching the last of light day? I am with you and I won’t ever leave again.

Even though we never touch… or look in each other’s eyes… I will never leave you again

Whatever the reality of us brings, should we be in the same place and time again one day, in some life… as devoted siblings, or intimate friends, or passionate lovers… I will not let go of the intensity inside me which drives me to stay close to you in some way… as it has for so many years, even when I have not recognised it

Dylan wrote a song about two people who meet, it’s a perfect moment in time as they walk together and spend a night together… “he felt the heat of night hit him like a freight train” and then she leaves… and she forgets, but he doesn’t – and he waits for her to remember.

And now I have… but my own waiting has arrived, and no matter how tightly I hold you in my memories, you will never become too familiar to me

Five Reflections again

David, I didn’t want to lose this… sea, moon and swallows… once more your words describe my memories… you have a gift.
Once more, I do not wish to lose this image
I tried to “reblog” this but it lost the format so I hope you do not mind that once again I copy and paste your words.
Please tell me if you would rather I didn’t

Haiku – 20120511
11May by fivereflections

undulating sea
reflections of rising moon
swift-flying swallows

Morning Sky

Reblogged from Words we never said...:

I look outside – the month of May the birds have shared some loud, grand displays in their love exchanged it seems they make fun of me in every single note of song even the most shy dove has a special touch… They’re in love – and can be even the shy one waved her wing – as if the new wife had something she could give but – how?

Read more… 125 more words

"Endless songs, forever fears..." Thankyou, Words we never said...

facsimile

I saw a photo… taken a few years past now

long after we said goodbye but not long before we said hello

older than I knew once upon a time, of course

of course

How did those three creases on your forehead come to be? How did those two furrows come to live between your brow? How can it be that time has left its mark upon you this way and I have been so unaware?

I feel cruel and unkind and uncaring… how did I let this happen between us?
This passing of time until now, when it is far too late

“I will not be hostage to my own dis-ease”

oh, how i miss you
suddenly
inexplicably you are here inside me
raging and tearing at my heart
it seems real and i feel nauseous

i cut another tie to you yesterday
i left a message, i blocked an acquaintance, i severed a connection
filled with remorse and guilt, i wonder now if i should have
but you are no longer in my life

and i must be strong and accept that
and i must be strong and prepare to wait another life-time

Did you think that I would simply give them my last breath?
Well honey you’ve got me wrong
I’d never leave you for death
It’s gonna take more than that to get rid of me
It’s gonna take more than that to make me fade
M.E.

Other’s haiku

Once again, I dread to lose these, so copy and paste these here… once more, a beautiful haiku from David in Maine, sometimes I wonder how he throws such words together in such a seemingly effortless and natural way that someone like me can feel pierced to the very core of my being

And then a response to his haiku from Peader Ban whose last line touched me deeply

I once was quite a critic of haiku, but in the past week or two, FiveReflections has given me insight into this art, for he truly is an artist

And my essence weeps sometimes, for how can a stranger write words in my heart before I have ever thought them into existence? How can someone who does not know me and would not recognise me speak so eloquently of my history and the shadows that dance in my dusk, and paint my thoughts through the stars?

FiveReflections – 2012/05/07

soft ray of moonlight
stirs fountain pen’s twirling tracks
love sonata wakes

Peadar Ban – 2012/05/07

Trickle to torrent
Flow words river like to sea
Soul still and dream deep

wordpress world

In the time I have dwelled here, living from time to time in this wordpress world…

In this time this little introspective, meaningless, inconsequential world I have made has been viewed by others

And while I know this happens (because occasionally I get comments)… it still surprises me that anyone would be bothered to come back.

This is my place to hide, to remember, to not be seen in the most visible way I can possibly think of

It is, I suppose, my way to be found when not being looked for

I find comfort that others might wander past this place, I feel humbled that some come back more than once…

But when I search the countries who have found their way here (United States, New Zealand, Canada, South Africa, Brazil, Indonesia, United Kingdom, Australia, Venezuela, Zimbabwe, Taiwan, Germany, Argentina, Russian Federation, Chile…..), I do not see the country I long most to see… I do not see the country I fear most to see…

And I am lost inside my own confusion… do I want to know this? do I hate that I have not been found? am I relieved? am I distraught?

I no longer know what I want, and once again wonder why I must come here and write some-things and no-things and rage and emptiness and completeness… I have a life, why must I be greedy and hold on to (or create?) this life here…?